Corey Holcomb - Your Way Ain’t Working Live from the Mandalay Bay
Ladies, if a man eats your pussy and puts a condom on before sex…that just means he don’t want his dick to go through what his mouth just did.-Corey Holcomb
I have plenty of good friends that I’ve known for 10, 15, even 20 years. I’m very much looking forward to adding another 30 years on top of that to when we’re in our 50s and 60s where we start losing our minds just a little. I figure it’ll be a LOT of fun when we congregate and start conversing about things…but never remembering the minute details of ANYTHING. Just a bunch of “…you know” and “Y
And so the show begins right before the workday starts. I grabbed a fresh batch from my man last night and his shit is always good. I look down at the massive vein in my forearm as I push the needle deeper into my flesh. I always enjoy watching the bit of blood that enters the syringe as I force the drug into my bloodstream. I think it’s probably the same for a baker seeing their bread rise.
Times like this I’m glad I’ve been at the job so long. It’s too late for drug screening at this point. Fuck it. Not like it’d matter anyway since I know the place like the back of my hand. Ohhhh shit. There we go. First there’s that quick dizzy feeling…and now…KABOOM!!! THERE is my rush. Ohhh, yes. Time for big fun again!
Loosening the band with my teeth and removing the needle is unto an art form at this point and I can execute like an Olympic-level Water Ninja. Damn this is a good high. I almost want to take the day off to enjoy it without any interruption, but it’s Friday. The day’ll be over soon enough. Where’s my music? Might just dance all the way to the train station. Ha. I’ll be on my Kevin Hart flow and just start Hula Hooping. Coke heads ain’t the only ones who have fun doing that shit. Ahhh, I crack myself up.
SIDEBAR: This is a random humorous “story” from my head…NOT my life. I’m still drug-free until I hit 50. Easy.
I’m pretty sure I can come up with a status complaining about how cold it is, how comfortable I am in bed, how much I hate my alarm, how amazing sleep is or how awesome it would be to start work at noon…EVERY…single…morning that it happens.
“I’ve never given a shit even when I gave a damn.”
“For those times I could care less, I sometimes wonder if I should have cared more.
The next time he kissed her would be during her funeral. She was dead. For all intents and purposes, to everyone else, she already had been. Never to him though. After a year spent in a permanent vegetative state, her husband made the painful and difficult decision to take her off of life support. He always knew that she would not have wanted to live via machines, but he couldn’t let her go.
For so long, both his family and hers urged him to let her go. Initially, he felt as if they betrayed her by giving up. The incident that caused the brain injury happened two years prior and the coma followed almost immediately after. More than 365 days of hesitating and waiting passed before he could even bring himself to consider the option. In his entire 53 years of existence, he was sure it was both the most difficult thing he has ever had to do but also felt as though it was the worst thing he’d ever done. Each day since the accident was spent in the hospital for as long as he was allowed and able to stay. When others offered to go in his stead, his response was always “I have to be the one there next to her when she wakes up just like I’ve been for the last 25 years.”
To his perpetual sadness, it was never meant to be. Even when doctors informed him she had slipped deeper into her coma and would likely never come out, he waited anyway. He held on to the hope that it was all a misdiagnosis and she’d eventually be okay.
Now, it has been two weeks he’s spent sitting in the house in silence and darkness. The funeral had long since passed and his new reality as a depressed widower continues to sink in. The quiet is suddenly broken as the home phone rings. Figuring it to be another regular check-in or condolences of a family member or friend, he doesn’t bother checking the Caller I.D. Walking into the kitchen, he slowly answers, mustering a barely audible sigh of “Hello?” A voice responds, “Sir, my name is Frank Parish. I’m calling from WIWALO Life about your wife’s policy. Is this an alright time to speak to you?” Overcome with yet another wave of his recurring grief, he breaks down yet again, falling to his knees, as he tries to explain between unchecked sobs, “I don’t want any damn life insurance money. I…I just want my wife. I just need her back.”
I’ve been in a LOT of fights, and most happened before my 20s, but…now that I actually try and think about it, I’m not sure if I’ve ever beaten anybody up. Wait, wait…nope, nevermind. I HAVE actually beaten a few dudes up. I just needed time to remember. I’ve definitely won more fights than straight beaten cats up though. ::shrugs::
Alonzo Bodden in Montreal HQ (absolutely hilarious from start to finish)
DANGEROUS FUN is a part of life. We all do things for laughs, thrills, etc. throughout the course of our brief time on this planet. Sometimes it’s by accident. I’m sure a lot of my friends *mainly the males* had those little moments where they jump off of this thing, or tried jumping off that moving thing, or fell off of that thing, or set fire to that other thing, blew up that thing, or thought doing something was a good idea…and almost died. We all have those close calls that make us say “Oh shit. That could have ended SO badly.” Sometimes though, it’s not a close call. People actually die from these “stunts.” And you know what? Sometimes it can still be humorous. For instance: http://laist.com/2012/09/26/drinking_glass_freak_accident.php I mean, sure, people who knew him or those sensitive to death won’t see the humor. It’s still a REALLY dumb death. And that’s where it gets funny. He could have been taking a nap or playing PS3, but he went for this…and FAILED. It’s just him drawing the short straw of existence, really. I’m sure a lot of folks get temporarily or truly hurt and maimed such as when we watch (and LAUGH!) at shows like “Jackass” or videos like this (which is funny as hell) http://youtu.be/NkUrE9HNOUY where it’s hilarious…or at least cringe-worthy. Death is that one part of life that none of us can escape, but not many are willing to admire that for what it is. And even less are able to see how oddly comedic, despite being eerily macabre, it can sometimes be. There are plenty of ways to lose one’s life, but to off yourself in some ways can be worth a chuckle. Next time, after you utter the usual “OH MY GOD! That’s terrible…” think about that part of you that might have wanted to say “Whoaaaa!” and giggle in that split moment before “Shit got real.” I can’t be alone in this perspective, can I? Have a safe day everyone. (I still think this particular farewell is dumb, semi-empty and creepy)